quotes

Police Inspector: Does your daddy always take his clothes off in front of you?
Nathan: Only when he's rehearsing.

Gaz: Told 'ya, robbing pipes, that's all.
Police officer: Gary, my friend, no bugger robs pipes in the buff.
Gaz: We do. Don't get your clothes dirty, do you?

Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] Drownin'. Now there's a way to go.
Lomper: I can't swim.
Gaz: Well you don't have to fucking swim, you divvy, that's the whole point. God, you're not very keen are you?
Lomper: Sorry...

Dave: Well, I just pray they're a bit more understanding about us, that's all.
Horse: You what?
Dave: Well, they're going to be looking at us like that, aren't they, Eh? I mean, what if next Friday 400 women turn 'round and say "He's too fat, he's too old and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser."? What happens then, eh?
Horse: They wouldn't say that, would they?
Dave: Why not? He's just said her tits are too big.
Lomper: That's different. We're... blokes.
Dave: Yeah, and…?
Gerald: I think she's got nice tits, actually.
Lomper: I never said owt about her personality, like. I mean, she's probably quite nice if you get to know her.
Dave: No. And they won't say nowt about your personality neither. Which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality - this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.

Gerald: He's fat, you're thin, and you're both fucking ugly.

Horse: No-one said anything to me about the full monty!

Gaz: Folks don't laugh so loud when you've a grand in your back pocket.

Gaz: Y' know Dave, it's a thought...
Gerald: Ha! I could just see Little and Large prancing around Sheffield with their widges hanging out. Now that *would* be worth 10 quid...
Gaz: Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying...
Gerald: Widges on parade! Bring your own microscope!

Dave: The less I eat, the fatter I get.
Lomper: So stuff yourself and get thin!

Gerald: Fat, David, is a feminist issue.
Dave: Well, what's that supposed to mean, when it's at home?
Gerald: I don't bloody know, do I? But it is.

Gaz: Gentlemen, the lunchbox has landed!

Gaz: I've got a degree in ass wiggling, mate.

Gaz: So, uh, Horse... What can you do?
Horse: I dunno, really... Let's see, there's the, uh... The bump, the stomp, the bus stop... Me breakdancing days are probably over, but there's always the funky chicken.

Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.
Lomper: Haven't got any mates...
Gaz: Listen to you, we just saved your fucking life so don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?
Lomper: Really?
Gaz: Yeah.
Lomper: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Dave: Yeah, me and all, I'd run into ya as soon and I look at ya.
Lomper: Cheers.

Dave: We want to know about dancing that's all.
Gerald: Dancers have coordination, skill, timing, fitness, and grace. Take a long, hard look in the mirror.